Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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