I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
