my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
40s are totally the cure
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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