Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
