my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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