I smell stomach acid.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
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