You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Holy shit dude........stairs
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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