she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
