some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
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