I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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