May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I want you more than these girls want KFC
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
