apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize