Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
