I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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