I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
