dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
