I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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