Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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