and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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