If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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