dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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