onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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