based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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