I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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