It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Someone stole a lamp last night.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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