i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i jhust puked up my retainher.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Alive.
So much puke
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
