i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
