I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Randomize