I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
