I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
