I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
