I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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