He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
