matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
