Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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