Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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