i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
the night ended with taco bell and tears
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize