You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
