She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Pants are for mortals
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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