I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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