life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
