there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
