my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize