Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
