My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
