god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
