Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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