Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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