He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
