mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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