i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
