Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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