i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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