My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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