i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
