Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize