Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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